Everybody's a little crazy
by pennfan24
Summary: This is a Blair-Dan-Serena story, its not specifically Dair or Derena, so i guess its for those of you, who can stomach both these ships. The characters will be a little dark and twisted in this one. This takes place after 6.10 and follows canon, except there is no Henry Bass in this story.
1. Chapter 1

Everybody's a little crazy

Author's note: This isn't a specific Dair or Derena story, it's really a story of Blair-Dan-Serena, not really a slash story either. Both the ships are present in the story and there really is no endgame for one ship or the other in this story. It's also dark and twisted, and may or may not treat the characters harshly and some characters may come across worse than the others. So unless you're a Dair fan who doesn't hate everything to do with Dan n Serena n vice versa for Derena fans…don't read this. This kind of picks up where GG left off, but there is no Henry Bass in this story.

Disclaimer: I dont own GG or any of it's characters.

Chapter 1

This was certainly the biggest day in Dan Humphrey's life. It was bigger than the day he came forth as the author of 'Inside' and definitely bigger then the time he got his first break in Hollywood to adapt his book into his first screenplay. It's more momentous then the day he bought his first condo in the UES. It is even bigger than the day, his life long dream came to fruition, when Serena Vander Woodsen agreed to be his wife, coz this is the day he is actually marrying his life-long fantasy woman.

Dan and Serena were doing a really small wedding at Chuck and Blair's beautiful townhouse, which was to be followed by a grand reception at The Empire; after all it was the most widely anticipated event of the year. Dan was nervous, excited and he was definitely happy, but there was a lingering feeling somewhere in the corner of his heart, that something was amiss, something was missing. He loved Serena, and he had loved her ever since he had first seen her and together they had gone through more ups and downs than imaginable, and the last five years, after he had declared to the world that he was the real face of GG… he and Serena had done everything right and worked out so well, that they were both here today to be tied to each other forever in the union of holy matrimony. All that Dan kept telling himself, during the entire wait for Serena to walk up to him, was that he loved her, he loved her so damn much and she loved him, accepted him for everything he was and everything he is and this was right and meant to be.

Dan couldn't think about anything else right now or let anyone cloud his thoughts, especially the hostess. He couldn't think about Blair Waldorf Bass, not anymore and definitely not now. That chapter was long over and it was certainly nothing but a mistake for both of them, something that had done nothing but complicate their respective relationships with the 'love of their lives'. He was trying very hard to block a busy, indifferent Blair today, she had anyways rubbed it to him earlier that the only reason, she's letting him get married in her house is because Serena's stupid enough to marry him. He and Blair, after he had gotten back with Serena five years earlier, hadn't really been close as they once used to be. They'd tried to be close and be friends again and it had worked for a while, Serena was ecstatic seeing them make progress as friends, but their friendship couldn't last, it got complicated so fast and maybe unlike Serena, him and Blair couldn't just separate the past that easily. They had drifted apart again, like they had never been friends, but Dan thinks it was easy because he and Serena moved away from New York and kept travelling the world for more than two years, while Blair and Chuck got busy trying to raise a family, which unfortunately hasn't worked out for them till now.

Dan once again pushed out every thought of Blair from his head and concentrated on a heavenly Serena, wearing a golden flowing gown descending down the stairs. He looks at her, just as besotted and mesmerized as he had; when he had first spotted her at the train station, when she had come back to NYC from Connecticut eleven years ago. As Serena walks up to Dan and he takes her hand and leads her to the altar, where a priest is standing before them, everybody in the room stands up. Rufus is beaming with happiness for his son, and his new girlfriend accompanies him. Lily is present there with William, although nobody knows the status of their relationship just yet. Even Eleanor and Cyrus turned up for the wedding. Nate is standing next to Jenny and Eric, and the three of them are constantly smiling and laughing. Chuck and Blair are standing in the corner, wearing matching outfits, Chuck is at the wedding, but he's constantly busying replying to his emails on his Blackberry, whereas Blair has been shouting and screaming at the caterers and helpers all day and right now, as Serena and Dan are about to be tied together in their forever, she is looking everywhere but at the altar.

Dan and Serena didn't want a traditional big wedding, everything with them had been everything but traditional. They didn't have a best man, a maid of honor and even a flower girl for their wedding, but Rufus had insisted on the Priest, so they had agreed to that. As Dan looked at Serena, standing in front of him, he instantly knew everything was finally falling into place. The Priest began the ceremony and he then looked at Serena to say her vows to Dan.

Serena was the happiest she had ever been in her entire life today and she felt like at any point all this would just be a dream and she would wake up and none of it would be real. The last five years she had imagined this day so many times, and now the moment was finally here. She looked at Dan, and she was glowing with love and happiness, and with that typical Serena twinkle in her eye, she began, " Dan, I know I cant spin the magic into words like you, but all I can tell you is even if I cant express myself as eloquently, I love you, I love you more than I could ever possibly imagine loving someone. Every day I love you a little more, I want you a little more and every new moment with you becomes even more treasured to me. I knew eleven years ago, that I wanted this, I wanted forever with you and I was ready to wait forever to get it, so Iam glad that its happening today. You had me Dan, at the first awkward wave after our first date and you've had me ever since then. I've not always been good to you in these eleven years Dan, I have used you, hurt you, manipulated you, betrayed you, but not once have I stopped loving you…sometimes I have been oblivious to the feeling, but its never gone away. Dan you've believed in me and you've loved me when I didn't think I was capable of love or trust and I want to spend the rest of my life with you, loving you and thanking you. Dan Humphrey, I want to be by your side always and I will do everything that makes you happy and I will never ever let you go. I love you Dan Humphrey, always have and always will."

The entire room resonated with multiple awws just as soon as Serena finished her vows, and Lily was practically crying and William Vanderwoodsen looked so proud of his daughter. Dan looked even more nervous now, after Serena had finished her vows and before he began his own, he cleared his throat loudly, as if emotion was choking him.

Dan looked at Serena with that puppy dog look in his eyes, and began, "Wow. I mean wow, I don't think even I can trump that one Serena, but I still cant believe that I am standing here today in front of you, You, I mean you're going to be my wife. Serena Humphrey. Everything feels surreal. I had my vows prepared, but I don't think I want to go with those anymore… in fact no matter what I say here today and no matter what I say for the rest of my life, I can never truly express what you mean to me, Serena. I can write pages and pages and books and books about you, to you and I still wouldn't be able to say it all. Falling in love with you was falling in love with a dream, falling in love with a heavenly creature, something that's only imagined in your heart and every day that you were with me, I had to repeatedly tell myself that you were real, a real woman and not just a figment of my imagination. I have loved you Serena, I have venerated you, I think I have literally worshipped you for most of my life and yet, I have hurt you more than I have hurt anyone else in my life. I have insulted you, ridiculed you, broken your trust, doubted you, cheated you and have broken you. I have just done so many terrible things to you, because of my own insecurities and incompetencies, that I don't even know if I deserve you or not. But Iam glad that you are here today and despite everything that I did, you still believed in me. I have made a million mistakes in the last eleven years, some knowingly, some unknowingly. I have made some right and some very wrong decisions, something's that I regret and something's I don't even understand, but all of those, whether in a good way or a bad way, have led me to you. Every tear, every heartbreak, every thing has led me to me my destiny and that is you. You and I have shared so much in our lives, you've been my girlfriend, you've been my ex girlfriend, you've been my best friend, you've even been my best friend's girlfriend, hell, you've even been my step sister, you've been my friend, my family, you've been the reason I have been accepted into this world, you were in fact the very reason that I wanted to be part of this world and today I want to promise you that I want to make you my world, forever and ever. I want to do everything that you want and not just want, I will fulfill every whim and fancy of yours, and I don't care how absurd and obnoxious it is. I want to spend the rest of my life making up to you in every which way, and my life is yours now Serena, all yours. You aren't just a part of me; you are what defines me, for without a Serena Vanderwoodsen, there would be no Dan Humphrey. I promise to be honest, loyal and truthful and I promise to love you forever and strive to be a better man for you, everyday for the rest of my life. "

Dan finishes his vows and the entire room is filled with cheers and applause, Rufus and Jenny are not even trying to hide the fact that they are smiling through their tears, while even Eric wipes his eyes a little bit. Even Chuck looks a little moved, which is surprising, because nobody thought that Chuck would even be listening. Blair on the other hand doesn't flinch, doesn't move a muscle in her face, but stares on without an expression on her face, like its only her body that's present there, but her mind is somewhere else or just not registering anything going on there.

Soon the priest asks them to exchange the wedding bands and just as soon, he announces them to be man and wife and Dan loops in Serena into a deep and long kiss. Serena is squealing with joy, and Lily soon envelops her, while his father hugs Dan tightly. Everybody is crowding the newly weds and gushing and gushing over their vows. Blair walks up to Serena, just as Chuck, Nate and Eric drag Dan to the bar to pop open a champagne bottle. Serena squeals once again and folds Blair into her arms, and as she releases her, she says, "Finally, B, finally, I am finally Serena Humphrey."

Blair forces a smile on herself, and hopes that Serena doesn't notice that its fake and she says, "Iam happy for you S, as happy as I can be, seeing you married your life-long stalker, Dan Humphrey."

Serena just gives Blair a goofy smile and says, "Oh Blair, that's my husband you're talking about now and I know you love him too."

Blair cuts Serena angrily and says, "Serena, I don't love him, in fact I hate him and I don't care…", before Blair can finish her rant against Dan, Serena cuts her off and says, "I was kidding, Relax, but just today of all the days, cant you let it go, I mean the last five years, you've reminded at every opportunity you've had that you don't approve of me and Dan, but all that matters is we are together now, so don't ruin this, don't ruin the most special day in my life B, don't try and take it away from me, please."

Blair in an apologetic tone, says, "S, I am sorry…but", but before she can finish saying what she was saying, Serena is dragged away by Lily whose already got an interviewer lined up for the new couple. Serena and Dan weren't interested in letting any media cover their wedding, but Lily insisted that they give the rights to their wedding coverage to just one magazine, it was to be so super exclusive and their marriage was one of the most talked about events of the year; after all this was a fairytale wedding of two high school sweethearts, one a successful bestselling and award winning young author and the other being the ultimate It-Girl of New York, who had come together despite all the controversies and chaos that had surrounded their lives.

After the media interview got over, Chuck and Nate left saying that they would meet everybody at the reception in the evening. Lily, William, Rufus and his girlfriend followed out soon, as they still had to oversee the last minute arrangements for the grand wedding reception. Eleanor and Cyrus had left too. Jenny rushed to Serena and said, "I know you want to spend time with your new husband and all, but I need you to try your reception dress right now, because I had to make some last minute changes, especially since Dan has literally begged me to make you look more divine than you already look, as if that's even possible, so we need to leave now and Dan can try and survive a few hours without his newly wedded wife."

Serena just smiled at Jenny and said, "Yes, lets go, lemme just say bye to Dan."

Serena went up to Dan along with Jenny and after giving him a sweet kiss on the lips, left with Jenny for her dress fitting.

Dan was now left alone in the house with Blair and Eric, and a number of caterers and helpers moving around.

Eric finally lets out a long breath and says, "So, finally the day is here, I mean sometimes I really didn't think we would see it, but am glad it happened and we are family again."

Dan just smiles at Eric and beams, "Yeah. I can't believe it either, I mean just how crazily luckily Iam."

Eric then tells him they should head out as well, and tells him that he will meet him outside by the limo, as he has to make some calls, whereas in the meanwhile Dan can go collect some of the jewelry, Serena left upstairs.

Just as soon as Eric exits, Dan walks up the stairs and walks into the room, where Serena had gotten ready and starts looking for the jewelry she had left. Suddenly he feels uneasy, as if someone is watching him and just as he turns around, he sees Blair standing at the door, staring at him with an expression he cant quite read in her eyes. She looks a little drunk and sad, maybe forlorn and tired as well, and Dan desperately wants to envelop her in his arms and ask her what's wrong, but he doesn't move, doesn't say anything, till she walks up to him and stands barely a few centimeters away from him.

He doesn't even look at her and says, "I wont be in your way, I was just leaving, I just had to collect some of Serena's things."

He walks past her, and just as he is at the door, Blair says, " Not even once in your vows today, did you say you love Serena."

Dan is taken aback and he turns towards her and says, "What?"

Blair looks at him with a smile on her face, the kind of sweet mischievous smile that he used to love, that usually meant that she was going to win any argument they were going to get into.

She says softly, " Everybody loved your vows and they couldn't stop gushing over it, but you said everything, everything, but that you love her. You said you loved her and you promise to love her forever, but not even once did you say you love her. Why?"

Dan was completely stunned, speechless, he didn't think anyone would have noticed that omission, in fact, to be honest, he didn't even think he left it out deliberately. He said everything that came to him in that moment and until Blair reminded him, he didn't even think he had done that.

Dan said a very weak, "I didn't… I love her, I really do love Serena."

Blair just smiled once again, " Then, why couldn't you say it, and why are you telling me this now…"

Dan was growing impatient and angry with her, maybe he was growing angry at himself, and he just cut Blair off and said, "Blair, you seriously are such an insecure bitch, I mean, even on your best friend's special day, you're doing this, with me, with her husband."

Blair turned red and screamed angrily at him and said, "Humphrey, don't pretend to be the moral husband you're trying to be coz both you and I know who you are and honesty and loyalty aren't exactly your virtues. So don't turn this around on me."

Dan was growing more livid with her, what had happened between them a month ago was a mistake and it didn't mean anything, just like all the other times. "I don't want to do this with you Blair. What happened was a mistake and we both agreed on it. Now, I don't care what hell you're going through with Chuck and just how miserable your life is. I don't want that for me and Serena, I love her and I will do anything to make it work and if you love her even a little bit, you know you will want the same."

Blair's eyes turned red and were filled with tears, and she shouted at him, "Leave. Just fucking leave, Dan." At that moment Dan realized that maybe he was very harsh with Blair and he stepped towards her only a little bit and apologized and said, "Look Blair, Iam sorry, I shouldn't have said what I just did, I didn't mean it…"

Blair turned her back and just whispered now, "Dan, Leave, just leave me alone."

Dan took the cue and quietly shut the door behind him and left, and when he was outside Eric was waiting for him. Before Eric could say anything, Dan just said, "I just couldn't locate Serena's jewelry, it was spread all over the room."

Eric just laughed and said, "Well, that's your wife now."

Dan just muttered to himself, " Yeah, she is."


	2. Chapter 2

Sorry for the crazy long time i took to update this story. i think i lost my interest, but from now onwards, the updates will be much sooner.

CHAPTER 2

The empire was sparkling with more glitz and glamour than any other day, the evening of Dan and Serena's reception. Everybody who was anybody in New York was present in the room, and they were all anxiously waiting for the latest It-couple in NYC.

Dan was waiting upstairs in Chuck's old room at the Empire, as Serena was running late for her own reception. Typical Serena, Dan thought to himself. He couldn't make an entrance without her as everybody he knew was waiting downstairs to see both of them make the grand entrance after their wedding. Dan usually hated these kind of glitzy glamorous social gatherings, but right now he couldn't wait to go down and be in that room with people he didn't know, people who probably looked down upon him for being an outsider. But he didn't care, he wanted to just go out there with Serena, so he could block out everything his mind was forcing him to think. He couldn't and would never allow himself to question his previous actions, his present unease and his future anxiety. He couldn't deal with the guilt, the regret and yet something far more than that. He couldn't. Not now. Not ever.

Dan kept pacing around the room, and he lit a cigarette, although he knew if Serena saw him smoking, she would be very pissed, but he needed something to make him feel calmer right now. Dan barely managed to finish smoking his cigarette, and Serena came in along with Jenny. Serena was wearing a beautiful beige off- shoulder gown with an intricate gold lace work and she looked absolutely divine.

Serena squealed, "Dan, I'm sorry I know I'm late baby, but…"

Dan was glad to see her, he was somehow relieved to see her there, and he smiled and moved forward to kiss her cheek and smilingly said, "It's alright. I'm used to waiting for you and now it's going to be a lifetime of that."

As Dan lent in close to kiss Serena, she said, "Dan, you were smoking right now?"

Dan stepped back and said, "Yeah, I'm sorry I was just nervous, I don't know why and I shouldn't have".

Before Serena could say anything anymore, Jenny's phone began to ring. It was Lily who was screaming over the phone that Serena was running a little too late, to even pass off as fashionably late, and they should come as quickly as possible.

Serena turned to Dan and said, "Dan you promised me that you'd never smoke again. How could you?"

Dan said, "Serena. Hey. Iam sorry. I wont. Never again. Believe me."

Jenny interrupted the newly married couple and said, "Okay, just as nice it is to be witnessing your first marital discord, its not the time for this. Dan's an ass Serena, but now he's your husband and he's sorry. So now let's just go."

Serena and Dan both looked at Jenny with an annoyed look and she finally had to push them both ahead to get them to move out.

Just before entering their grand reception party, Serena who was walking hand in hand with Dan, turned to him and said, "I love you Dan, but don't smoke again. Please"

Dan just turned to her and kissed her softly on the lips and said, "I wont. I love you so much."

Serena and Dan made an opulent entrance and every eye in the room was looking at them. One by one numerous people came up to them and congratulated them, so much so both Serena and Dan were soon exhausted smiling and thanking everyone. Finally it was time for raising the toast to the newly married couple.

Lily was the first one to go up and raise a toast to Dan and Serena, followed by Rufus and then Eric and Jenny gave a small and funny toast together. Nate was next, who was to be followed by Blair. Just as soon as Nate finished his toast, nobody could find Blair Waldorf-Bass in the room. It was then that Nate, Jenny and Eric realized that nobody had really seen Blair since the wedding in the morning. Just then Chuck Bass stepped in, although earlier he had refused to raise a toast, as he said that Blair and him were one and if Blair was giving a toast, there was no reason for him to give one. Seeing that Blair wasn't in the room, Chuck stepped up and holding a champagne glass in his hand he began

"To the Humphries, the second most tumultuous love story I know, next to only Blair and me…"

Before chuck could precede any further, there came a huge commercion from the other end of the room and all eyes turned towards a very visibly drunk Blair Waldorf.

Blair could barely manage to walk and Chuck ran towards her and held her up, and spoke to her in a hushed tone, "Where the hell were you and what the hell is this? You're fucking drunk." Blair just smirked at him and loosened herself from his grip and before anyone could grab her ran up to the podium in front and snatched a champagne glass from one of the guests in the front.

Chuck and Nate both ran to Blair and told her to come down and that she was not in a good state, but Blair grabbed the microphone from Nate's hand and pushed them both to the side and began, " I'm sorry I'm a little drunk but why shouldn't I be. It's one of the biggest days of my life, as my best friend, my soul sister is getting married today. In fact, not only Serena, but also Dan had also been my best friend at some point, before he chose to hate me again. But anyways two friends getting married to each other. What more could one want."

Everybody in the room had an amused or startled expression on their face, and were definitely enjoying the show that was unfolding in front of them. Chuck looked angry and Nate, Jenny and Eric were all confused, whereas Lily, Allison, Rufus and William looked on in bewilderment. Serena looked worried, and she couldn't force herself to smile anymore, she looked disturbed looking at Blair. Dan on the other hand felt he couldn't breathe, he felt like something bad, something really bad was about to happen and he didn't know what he could do about it right now. Dan kept praying that Chuck would somehow succeed in getting Blair off the podium before much damage unfolded.

Chuck got up next to Blair again and tried to get her to walk away, but she pushed him to the side once again and said, "Serena, You know you've always been my best friend, since we were so little. You're the one person who's been a constant in my life, even the times I hated you and never wanted to see you again. and today is the biggest, the happiest day of your life and you're finally married to the man sitting next to you, a man you love with everything in you."

Blair looked at Serena and smiled and Serena smiled back. Dan started to relax a little bit listening to Blair and he finally thought it was going to be okay. After all it was Blair she wouldn't do anything to embarrass herself socially. Just then Blair spoke again and said, " You're happier today then I have ever seen you Serena and that makes me hate you. Hate you so much more. You've always taken everything away from me and here's my chance. The man you married, the man who promised to be loyal and faithful to you doesn't even know the meaning of those words. How many times in the last five years has he slept with me? Ask him? You can't lie about this Dan, you just cant. He said he loves you but he's never resisted me, not even once. He will never be yours completely, coz no matter what you do, and I'll always have a part of him. The part you can never have. This is your payback Serena for everything you've done, for everything you've stolen from me, for coming between me and Dan, I loved him then and I love him now, even after the despicable man he's become."

Before the shock of the words could be registered by all present in the room, Chuck dragged Blair very forcefully by the arm, but before he could succeed, she screamed, "Bass, I want a divorce". Chuck angrily dragged Blair all the way outside.

Serena's face was whitewashed with pain and hurt and she ran outside from the front gate and was followed by Lily and Eric. The media persons present at the event crowded Dan, but before the scene could get worse, the security of the hotel escorted Dan safely to a room upstairs. William Van der Woodsen did his best to quieten the uproar in the room and tried to minimize the scandal that had just taken place.

It had already been more than half an hour, before the big scandal had unfolded but Dan was still shocked into silence and he went completely blank at what had just happened. Just then Rufus entered the room, and Nate who was sitting inside with Dan got up to leave.

Rufus came in and said, " Dan, why didn't you say anything then. Obviously Blair was saying all these lies. Why did you just let her get away with it? Dan say something. Blair wasn't telling the truth. Was she?"

Dan couldn't look at Rufus straight in the eye and turned away from him and very softly, almost inaudibly said, "It's true."

Rufus looked shocked, forlorn and disappointed all at once and said, "Dan, Why did you?"

Dan didn't look up at Rufus at all because he knew that his dad was standing their judging him and being ashamed of him. Just then a tear dropped from Dan's eyes.

Rufus went and sat next to Dan on the bed and kept his hand on Dan's shoulder and said, "Dan, I don't know what to say and what to do, but you should go talk to Serena, she deserves an explanation."

Dan just hugged his father and was almost crying and said, "I ruined everything and now it's all over before it even began."

Serena was sitting on her bed in front of the mirror in her room, or what used to be her old room at Lily's penthouse. This was her first night as a married woman and here she was, spending it without her husband, by herself in her mother's house, still wearing her reception gown, and with run down make up on her face.

Serena heard the door to her room open and saw Dan standing outside. She turned her back to him, without saying anything. She was fighting really hard to not break down and cry again, but just as she heard his steps approaching her, Serena's howling got louder and louder.

Dan had no idea of what he could possibly do, of how he could sort the mess that was created. He knew he had damaged his relationship with Serena permanently, but he somehow hoped that there could be a miracle that would let it all fall into place eventually.

Dan stepped near Serena, and her face was turned away from him. She was crying inconsolably and her entire body was shivering, at that moment Dan wanted to reach out to her, to touch her and hold her in his arms, but maybe he didn't have that right anymore.

Dan sat on the comforter chair on the side of the bed and said, " Serena, I'm…please don't cry like this. I cant …please." He couldn't put a coherent sentence together, as he found himself choked with tears at that moment.

Serena didn't turn back to look at him, but her crying became more faint, almost like sobbing. Dan wiped the few tears that were shed from his eyes, and shifted to the bed and touched Serena's shoulders and said, "Hit me, slap me if you want Serena, but please look at me. Just once. Please just look at me."

Serena shrugged her shoulders away from Dan's hand and wiped her tears from her face and turned to face Dan on the bed. Her eyes were red from all the crying and her mascara was all over her face… even in that moment, in the moment of acute pain, betrayal and heartbreak, Dan knew Serena was beautiful. Tragically Beautiful.

Serena looked Dan straight in the eye and said, "Did you ever really stop smoking Dan or were you just lying to me?"

Dan was taken aback by Serena's question, was she really asking him about smoking at this point. That's when it hit him, Serena knew, She knew everything all along.

Dan turned white and looked at Serena and said, "You knew everything. All along. Why did you? How ? You didn't say anything ever, you never even acted that way. Serena why didn't you say anything?"

Serena got mad at Dan's question and something in her just snapped and she started screaming and saying, "I did. I knew it all along Dan. Of what you were. What you are and what you were doing. But what could I say? Oh, I know you're a lying-cheating scumbag, whose screwing my married best friend behind my back. What could I do? Confront you or Blair over it, so you could both deny it to my face, or even worse accept it."

Serena got up from the bed and her entire body was shaking now, "you don't know what everyday was like for me. Everyday hurt, looking at you. Pretending I knew nothing. You know how many times I wanted to leave. Just leave everything and go away. So many times I just came so close to ending it, but I just couldn't."

Dan held Serena by the arms in order to calm her shivering and said, "Why didn't you leave Serena. Why did you stay with me? With someone like me, I don't deserve you, I never had and I never will. I'm despicable, I'm the worst kind of human there is. I loathe myself so much, but you shouldn't have stayed with me. I don't deserve you."

There were tears streaming down both Dan and Serena's faces and Serena pulled herself away from Dan and said, "I tried to leave so many times, but I couldn't, because I couldn't live without you, I couldn't even imagine it. I knew I was hurting myself on a daily basis by pretending that you weren't fucking Blair. I hated you and I hated myself in those moments of weakness, but I don't know how to live without you Dan. If I left I knew I wouldn't be able to live, coz I don't know why, you're the only reason I want to live, I want to be. I stayed and stayed with you even if it made me unhappy, because you mean everything to me Dan. You have. I hate myself so much for loving you this much. I really do."

Serena looked drained of all her energy and sat down on the bed with a thump. Dan knelt down in front of her and held her hands in his and said, "I wish I deserved some of that love, but I deserve nothing. I hurt you, and I kept hurting you…I don't even know how to say sorry, or how to even begin explaining myself. Or Just even be in this room with you. Serena, why do you love me so much? I'm disgusting…I don't deserve you."

Serena just looked on blankly at Dan and said, "I Don't know why I do, I just do, even when I have tried so hard not to."

Dan looked up at Serena and said, "I don't know where we are or where will ever be, but I'll do whatever you want and if you want to walk away from this marriage, to end us, whatever you do want, I'll do it."

Serena looked at him with sad eyes and said, "You want to end us? You want that?"

Dan said, "No, Serena, I don't want that…I don't want to lose you, but after what I have done, I don't think you should be with me. I don't know how to face you and how to face myself and …"

Serena put her hand on Dan's mouth to shut him up and said, "I want to walk away too, but I cant and I wont. You're not a habit to me Dan, you're not even like an addiction to me. You're literally like the oxygen to me, that I don't know how to function without you. I don't know how normal things will get from here, because till now at least I didn't have it confirmed, and now I do and not only I the entire world knows too. Maybe it will take time, maybe it will be painful and terrible, but right now the only thing I know is I want to stay married to you."

Dan looked at Serena in confusion, amazement, relief and sorrow all mixed at once. How much had he damaged her, so broken that she couldn't even leave. Yet Dan was glad that she wasn't ending their marriage, he was a selfish asshole he knew but the truth was he did love Serena and didn't know how to live without her either.

Dan didn't say anything then and just engulfed Serena in his arms and they both stayed like that, silently crying, hurting, breaking and mending for the entire night.

Dan came back to his apartment the next morning from Lily's. The apartment he was supposed to have shared with his wife now. Dan knew he was very far from sorting anything out with Serena just yet, but at least there was hope. Maybe slowly and steadily with time, Dan and Serena could get okay. He prayed hard that they would.

Dan was tired, exhausted mentally, physically, emotionally with all that happened yesterday. He was sick of self-loathing and his mind just wanted to find some peace, to find a few hours of sleep, where he didn't want to kill himself for the all the terrible things he had done. However, just then there was a knock at his door and Dan rushed to it, that maybe Serena was back, maybe things could get better sooner than he expected. However, his face lost all color on opening the door, as there stood Blair Waldorf in a scarf and huge dark shades.

Blair came in before Dan could even start to react at her presence there and before he could even say anything or throw her out, Blair in a pleading tone said, "Dan, I'm sorry, I'm so sorry. I don't know what I did."

Dan cut her off with his hand and said, "I don't want to listen to anything. Just get the hell out of here. You ruined everything already, there's nothing more left to be ruined anymore."

Dan grabbed her arm and started dragging her to the door, Blair just screamed, "Don't do this to me Dan. I said I'm sorry. I'll fix everything for you. I will. I promise. I'll talk to Serena; I'll tell her it was my entire fault. Just don't do this to me. Please." She began crying profusely while saying this.

Dan was exhausted and just gave up and went and sat on his sofa and said, "What do you want from me Blair? You took everything away already"

Blair wiped her tears and sat on the floor in front of Dan on her knees and said, "I want you Dan. I want you. I love you. I knew I loved you when I chose Chuck over you, but I didn't want to. Over all these years, I've fought so hard, trying not to love you, despite knowing all along that I did. I love you Dan, madly, irrevocably and incurably."

Dan just walked away from her to the other end of the room and said, "Blair, stop it. I don't want to hear it now. It's a little too late. Getting involved with you was the worst decision in my life. I just fucking hate you and everything to do with you"

Blair suddenly became very angry and went over to where Dan was standing, facing a wall, she pulled on his arm forcefully and made him turn around to face her and then she said, "Yet it didn't stop you from fucking me every time you could. You came at every opportunity. You created new ones. If you really hated me all that much, why didn't you stop over all these years. Why didn't you? Why did you kiss me every time, like it was your last kiss in life. Why did you touch me and make love to me the way you did. You know why you never stopped. Because you never stopped loving me either."

Then Blair calmed down a little bit and cupped Dan's face in her hands and said, "I know you love me too and you want me."

Dan suddenly realized how close he was to Blair and he broke away from her and said, "I don't love you Blair. I don't. I don't know why I couldn't stop. I wish I did, but I don't love you. I couldn't love you. I love Serena, and I could only ever love her."

Blair came forward towards Dan and said, "Dan, don't say this to me, please. Don't. Just tell me that you love me too. I need to hear it please. Please Dan. Tell me."

Dan just said, "Blair please don't do this. I can't handle it. Not now. Not never. Just leave and go away from my life. Please."

Blair pleaded, "Dan, don't send me away from you. They are sending me to a psychiatric clinic in France. I don't want to go. You can stop them. Please don't let them take me away like this. I don't want to leave you. I really don't."

Dan was shocked to hear about this, but what else could her family do after the stunt she had pulled last night. He didn't want Blair to go either and he just wanted to protect her and hold her back and keep her safe, but he couldn't. Not after all this. He wasn't going to break Serena all over again. He couldn't. If Blair went away, he and Serena could rebuild their relationship faster. It was the best solution. Blair had to go, as far away as possible.

Dan stayed quiet, and Blair grew nervous and she said, "Tell me you don't want me to away. I don't need psychiatric help Dan. I'm fine. I'm not delusional Dan, I know you do love me."

Dan looked at Blair and she was crying once again and his own eyes were turning red with the tears that he was trying very hard to control.

He said softly, "I can't love you Blair. I chose not to. I can't hurt Serena and everybody else anymore and neither should you. And maybe getting the help might help you save your marriage to Chuck and your family."

Blair couldn't believe, what Dan just had said and she stepped back and said, " You are just like everybody else. In fact you are worse, coz you pretend to be better." With that she started to storm outside.

Dan wanted to stop her, so much. Just hold her and tell her that he didn't mean it, and that what he felt for her was indescribable. He couldn't even put a word on what he felt about her and what she meant to him. Yet he stayed fixed and didn't move.

At the door Blair turned once more and said, "By the way there's no more marriage to save with Chuck. There hasn't been one for very long and for once it wasn't Chuck's fault. It was mine as I fell in love with the wrong guy again." with those words Blair Waldorf disappeared from Dan's vision.


	3. Chapter 3

Hey, Sorry for the super late update. I just didn't get the time to update earlier. The Dair fans who are reading this, wont be very happy, because this chapter sadly has no Blair, but there's still Dair in this chapter. I've no endgame really for this fic. i just write what i feel like, so those of you who expect it to end one way or the other, I'm sorry. Also, I maybe very harsh on Dan's character in this fic, but in my opinion Dan's never been the moral compass the show kept trying to force him to be. i apologize in advance for vocabulary and grammatical errors, that this might be plagued by, as i have no beta and write in haste. Hate it or Love it, please drop a review. Thanks.

CHAPTER 3

A YEAR LATER

"Hey sweetheart, wake up, wake up, you've got to read all these reviews. Everybody loves Inside. Dan, wake up…" said Serena, all chirpy and happy sitting up on the bed with a bunch of newspapers in her hand.

Dan just nestled Serena by the waist and pulled her into the bed, and continued sleeping.

Serena slapped his arm, and he was forced to open his eyes, and she gave him a long sweet kiss, and just as she realized he's getting lost in the kiss, she broke away and forced the newspapers on him.

Dan finally did wake up, and Serena excitedly started to read all the rave reviews to him, one by one in her child like innocent voice, intermittent with giggles and kisses.

Dan definitely was happy, he was excited, this meant a big success, he didn't expect the movie to actually garner such positive reviews, but it did and it made him happy. He was although far more happier, to see Serena completely exhilarated with his success.

Inside was a critical success judging by the reviews already, and he just hoped that it would also turn out to be a commercial success. It had taken a lot of time for the movie deal to go through and actually be completed, and in the end his efforts did pay off. His very first bestseller was a critically acclaimed movie now.

"Dan, we've got to celebrate your success. I'm going to throw you a party tonight. Don't worry I'll keep it small, just family and friends." Said Serena.

"Hmmm…okay Serena, but how about I get rewarded for my success right now" he said pulling her in closer and on top of him.

Serena laughed hard and said, " Oh, you're going to get rewarded, Mr. writer, very rewarded," slipping her slip off her body and climbing up on top of him.

Dan was still lazing in his bed, even after the incredible reward he had received from his beautiful wife in the morning, while Serena had dressed up and left to meet Lily, who insisted on hosting the party at her place.

Dan didn't really understand why Lily had been so insistent to throw the party at her place, given that he was very aware that Lily didn't really like him anymore. In fact, since the debacle that had taken place at his wedding, Lily had never left a single opportunity to make him conscious of her dislike for him. So, he was a little shocked as to why Lily was so indignant on celebrating his success. Anyways, Dan didn't want to probe further into it, he would hate the party anyways, no matter who hosted it and where it was hosted. He continued to be part of the UES, while never really fitting in, and yet he attended every event and every function, criticizing them, but never giving up on them. He was a hypocrite through and through, and he knew it better than anyone else.

Yet, somehow he hoped that today the party would be very limited. He was happy for his success, but he didn't feel like celebrating it with strangers who just pretended to be happy for him, but definitely weren't. He was just hoping, that like Serena had promised the scene would be really small. He knew all his friends would be there, actually who was he kidding, Nate was his only friend, because Eric and Jenny were family, whereas Serena was his wife.

Chuck thankfully would not be there. Chuck hadn't been in New York much and spent most time travelling to his overseas business and whenever he was in New York, he made it a point to never cross paths with Dan. Dan couldn't blame Chuck for avoiding Dan like a plague, after all what Dan had done to Chuck was unforgivable. Dan and Chuck weren't ever friends, but they had had a cordial relationship, which Dan destroyed when he started sleeping with Chuck's wife. Dan never thought there'd be a day in his life, he would feel ashamed and guilty for betraying and wronging Chuck, but he had.

Dan's thoughts went back to Blair, a girl who used to be his friend long ago, a girl who used to be so much more than a friend, a girl he waited for two years in his life, a girl he stood by and loved even when she loved other men and discussed them with him all the time. A girl who made him believe, she loved him, when she didn't, a girl who left him, without a goodbye, broke his heart without a second glance.

The same girl turned into a woman, but the cycle didn't end. The same woman made him a liar, a cheat and an adulterer, the same woman who almost cost him his marriage. A woman who almost made him lose the woman he had always loved. A woman he cut out from his life, a woman he blamed for all his problems, for all his weaknesses. A woman who brought nothing but poison into his life. A woman, he hadn't seen or heard from in over a year, a woman whose name he couldn't bring to his lips anymore, yet that very woman and her absence in his life made his life incomplete in a way he could never comprehend.

Dan walked into the party and was greeted with a loud cheer from everybody present in the room. Jenny rushed at him with such force, that he almost lost his balance.

Before, he could recover properly Nate was enveloping Dan into a brotherly hug, and emotionally followed it up by saying, "Thanks for writing a character for me in the movie man."

Eric and his boyfriend were the next ones to congratulate him, followed by Alessandra and her plus one.

Rufus's girlfriend Lisa was the one, who was next and she gave Dan a kiss on the forehead, telling him how proud she was of him.

Rufus, however was deeply engrossed with Lily in a conversation on the side, and unlike the others did not rush to Dan. Rufus had never whole-heartedly forgiven Dan for his indiscretions, and Dan since then had had an uneasy relationship with his father. Dan was still happy enough that Rufus was there to celebrate his success tonight.

At that very time, Rufus walked up to his son and gave him a hug and said, "I'm happy for you son, very happy."

Dan replied, "Thanks Dad, it means a lot".

Serena, who until then had been busy entertaining some other guests at the party, came to Dan's side and kissed him on the cheek and said, " See, I kept it small for you."

Dan just smiled at her and said, "Thank you."

Serena smiled at him and said, "Oh, by the way there's someone I want you to meet, who's a big fan of yours by the way"

Serena dragged him to a man, who looked like he was in his mid-forties and judging by his appearance, he looked like some sort of a critic.

Serena introduced Dan to Alejandro Baron, a restaurateur from Spain, who apparently was a big fan of all of Dan's works.

Alejandro congratulated Dan on the critical success of Inside, and kept talking to Dan about the book, while Serena stood next to Dan.

Alejandro said, "I loved Inside as a book so much, even though it was about teenagers, and I generally don't ever read books like that, but your book had a maturity to it. The characters were all so beautifully divine and tragic at the same time."

He further added, "You're a lucky man, Dan Humphrey, you have such an exquisite muse in your wife, no wonder every body falls in love with the Claire Carlyle in your book, coz who wouldn't fall in love with Serena here."

Just as Alejandro finished his monologue about loving Dan's work and Claire in particular, Dan felt uneasy. Serena was holding him by the arm all this while, but he felt her grip on him shake and she was still smiling at Alejandro and thanking him, but the smile wasn't genuine anymore. Serena was hiding her discomfort and pain behind that smile.

Just by chance of fate, Alejandro got a call and excused himself, saving Dan and Serena further discomfort. Just as soon as Alejandro left, Serena made some excuse about checking up on the guests and left Dan all alone.

Dan went to the bar and grabbed himself a drink, thinking to himself, how long would it take for Serena to completely forget him.

He was soon joined by a worried looking Nate, who said, "Dan, did you and Serena have a fight or something, coz I just saw her rushing into the kitchen and she was all teary-eyed."

Dan just looked at Nate dejectedly and said, "No, we didn't. I think Serena just remembered who I really am and each time she's reminded…"

Nate put his hand on Dan's shoulder and said, "Hey, you can't keep doing this Dan, stop being so hard on yourself. You were an asshole, but not anymore and Serena knows this. So just don't ruin this great night. I'll go talk to Serena. Okay."

Dan just nodded, while Nate went to look for Serena.

Dan thought to himself, that out of all of them, Nate was the only happy and sane person. He'd been born and raised in the UES, all his life and yet somehow the drama never touched him, he stayed in and yet he stayed out of everything. He was outside of it all; despite always having been in the midst of it, but that was just because Nate was a good person through and through.

Dan's thoughts were disrupted when he saw Lily walk up to him. She said in her cold calculated voice, "Congratulations, Daniel. It's indeed a very big day for you," while giving him a formal peck on the cheek.

Dan said, "Thank you so much Lily, for doing this for me."

Lily replied curtly while still smiling at him, "Not for you Daniel, for Serena. This means something to her."

Dan didn't have much of anything to say to Lily, to be honest he didn't like Lily much either after what she done to his father, but he tolerated her for the sake of Serena, just as she tolerated him for Serena as well.

Dan decided to excuse himself from Lily, but before he could do so, she stopped him and said in a low hushed voice, "Dan, there's someone I want you to meet, who doesn't want to be here at this party, but is waiting in the room upstairs. It's important, please."

Dan was very perplexed by what Lily was telling him, who was waiting for him, what did that person want and why couldn't he just come straight to the party.

Before Dan could ask Lily any questions, she said, "Just come with me now, and I'll explain later."

Dan anyways had an uneasy relationship with Lily and did not want to push it further, so he followed her up the stairs.

Lily opened up the door to one of the rooms and Dan could see a shadow of someone standing in a suit inside the room, nursing a drink in his hand. Lily said, "He wants to talk to you and in private. I'll make sure no one comes up here."

Dan was very confused and if he was being completely honest, he was a little scared too, as this seemed very suspicious to him. He anyways opened the room widely to enter and to his complete shock Chuck Bass was the one waiting for him in the room.

Before, Dan could even begin to understand why Chuck would ever want to see him; Lily shut the door behind them.

Dan didn't know what this meant, what did Chuck want to see him for. Wasn't it too late for a fight, or even revenge, or whatever that Chuck wanted to do to Dan.

Dan began in his halting voice, "Chuck, I don't know what you want from me right now, but umm whatever it is, I'm sorry, incredibly sorry for what happened. I knew what I did…"

Chuck looked at Dan, and the Chuck Bass that looked back at Dan, wasn't the same arrogant, condescending Basshole, Dan had always seen. Here stood a man, who looked torn and defeated, it looked like Chuck had aged ten years, his eyes looked tired, his shoulders looked burdened. The man only looked like a former shadow of himself. Chuck cut Dan off mid-sentence during his rant, and with a very pleading tone, he said, "Dan, I need your help. Please, she is fading day by day. I can't see her like this."

Dan was still unable to process what was unfolding in front of him; Chuck Bass was almost pleading him for help, to help Blair.

Chuck took a heavy breath and said, "I've tried everything to help her. Everything. I bought her everything she loves, took her to every place she's ever wanted to see. I have taken her to the best psychiatrists; I've tried every therapy, meditation, healing centers, everything so I could have my Blair back. But she's gone. She's lost. I can't see her like this. Please, help me save her Humphrey. Please."

Dan was baffled and he looked at Chuck and said, "What can I do Chuck?"

Chuck just turned away to the wall and said, "I don't know what you can do, but I know you can do something. You can help her Dan, she's fading, and she's fading away. She's not the Blair I knew, she doesn't speak, she doesn't do anything. She's a living corpse almost. I can't see her like this anymore. I don't know where I went wrong, but I feel responsible for what she's going through, and even though I know she doesn't love me anymore, and hasn't loved me for a very long time and will never love me again, I've always loved her and ill always love her."

Chuck was almost choked with emotions, but he still went on, "Dan, you can help her coz she still loves you and you're the only one who can get her back. You have no idea, how much I hate you and how much I hate to stand here and beg the very man who ruined my life, my marriage, who took the one person I thought would always be mine away from me, to save that very person."

Dan was shocked, and a deep sense of pain shot through him. He had no idea that Blair was in such a terrible state, and that she was suffering like this. No matter how much Chuck blamed himself for Blair's present state, it was not his fault. It was Dan. Just him. Dan hated himself in that very moment, for causing that much pain to Blair, he never wanted to do that to her. God. He didn't deserve to live, after all the mess he had made out of both Blair and Serena's lives. He didn't know what he could possibly do.

Chuck looked at Dan once again and said, "Dan, she needs to come back home, she needs you. She needs Serena. Please Humphrey, I've tried everything, I even gave her the one thing that tore me apart but what I thought would make her happy. I gave her the divorce she wanted. But I can't stand there and see her slipping. I'm walking away from her finally, but please save her, help her, if you ever loved her."

With these last words, Chuck Bass exited the room, leaving Dan all alone in the room.

Dan was still trying to process all the information that Chuck had exploded on Dan. He was so disturbed; he didn't know what to do. He didn't even know where Blair was, but she would probably be in France with her father. Dan didn't know how he could save Blair, what could he really do. Fly to France, and tell her to come back, tell her how much he's missed her, and what an incredible asshole he is. Would Blair forgive him, could she? Could he do this to Serena, all over again? Hadn't he hurt her enough already, would Serena even survive this?

Dan wanted to pull out all his hair and scream and scream, till his lungs collapsed. He was in pain; he was in so much agony. The two women he had loved so much in his life, were always the ones he kept hurting and hurting all the time. He was a selfish asshole, who kept doing it again and again, destroying the ones who loved him from inside out.

Dan somehow managed to drag himself down to the party after an hour, and somehow kept his senses enough to be at the party and engage in small talk with the guests, even when his mind was a million miles away, tortured and plagued by every thought of Blair. He wanted to see her again, to hold her tightly and just tell her that everything is going to be okay, he wanted to kiss her, kiss her till they were one.

Dan came back home with Serena, but Nate and Jenny had accompanied them in the Limo and were going to get dropped off after them, that had saved Dan the awkwardness with Serena during the ride, because Serena hadn't spoken to Dan at all since Alejandro's Claire observation, and Dan wasn't in the state of mind to talk to Serena either, not after what Chuck had told him.

All that Dan wanted to do on reaching home, was pop a few sleeping pills and some painkillers and somehow go to sleep, coz every minute he stayed up, he felt like his head was being crushed by bricks.

Dan just got into bed, even though he knew he should be talking to Serena and trying to make up with her. He didn't have any strength to do so, even though he knew he was hurting her by not doing this. He was a horrible person really; he hadn't even realized when he had become this selfish man, who let people hurt, just as long he wouldn't hurt himself. He would rather hurt than be hurt, but at the end when either Serena or Blair hurt, he was the loser, coz he hurt too.

Serena changed into her nightclothes, but didn't get into bed, and stood at the foot of the bed teary-eyed. Dan looked at Serena and at that moment, he felt angry with her, God, he was tired of this. He'd made a terrible mistake. Yes. He had, but she was the one who chose to stay with him, he didn't ask her to, she did it so herself. For how long, was he supposed to make it up to her?

Dan just threw the covers off him and went up to Serena, and harshly gripped her by the shoulders and said, "God damn it Serena, what do you want from me. I'm tired of apologizing for what I did every day of my life. What I did was terrible, but you chose to move past it, put it behind us and start anew. Yet, somehow, every few days, you seem to go back to it and I'm made to feel guilty all over again. I'm tired. I don't know what to do. I had no idea what Alejandro was going to say. I can't control everything. I can't go back and redo the past Serena."

Serena looked at Dan, with tears dropping down her face and said, "I know you cant. I'm trying Dan, I'm trying very hard to put it behind me, but it doesn't hurt any less. I'm sorry I do this, Dan, I'm really sorry. I want to move past it, I do, I really do. Just…"

Dan realized that Serena loved him so unconditionally and even now when he was the one shouting at her, she was the one apologizing. God, what did he ever do to deserve her, deserve any kind of love in life at all?

Serena just leapt into Dan's arms and continued to sob, and Dan carried her to the bed, where Serena nestled close to Dan and said, "Don't ever leave me Dan please, I can't think of a moment without you. I'll die without you Dan. Please."

Dan just kissed Serena on the forehead and said, "I wont, I promise. I wont ever hurt you again."

Serena soon went off to sleep, cocooned in Dan's arms, whereas Dan hated himself even more for making another empty promise, just like all the other empty promises he had made to both Blair and Serena over the past years.

Dan hurt for Blair and he hurt for Serena, but he was powerless to help either, even though he was the one responsible for causing pain to both of them in the first place.


End file.
